Losing My Reflection
by Irish Cream
Summary: The most higly read and praised fic I've written since Kordain. Kanyako A desperate, hopeless love fueled by darkened hearts and sinful grievence will reach it's climax to shatter the souls of those involved...


Title: Losing My Reflection   
Summary: Ken finds himself put out, and disoriented, by the pain of his life. Can, or will, Yolie help him?  
R for a tiny bit o' lime  
  
  
This is the Kenyako! ^_^  
@------- -------@ @------- -------@ @------- -------@ @------- -------@ @------- --  
  
  
Does it always hurt this much?  
  
Is the pain always this stabbing? Or the regrets always this harsh?  
I walk, dazedly, through the sunlit park, my genius mind weaving thoughts far greater then any mere man should bare, clutching a bundle of red and white.  
Our hearts are not as solid and unyielding as we men like to think.  
We shatter with the rest of them, bleed like the humans we are. We merely hide our anguish behind barriers as thick as the ocean is wide.   
I may not be so lucky, I am not every man.  
I have tasted the sweet poison of power, and felt the bitter blood of defeat trickle through my mind like venom.   
No, we are not as stolid and hearty as we have you believe.  
  
I am not.   
  
I never was.  
  
There used to be a   
greying tower alone   
on the sea  
you became the light  
on the dark side of me   
  
She was the light of my life, she drifted in like sunshine after a storm, and in a sense she was.  
She was the ONLY bright factor in my overcast, tumultous life. The turbulent water of my pain threatened to drown her with it's all encompassing, density.   
The waves of self loathing and abject misery washed over any being near enough to look within my devestated eyes.  
Hiding the pain was a task a young man should not have had to bear. The painted smiles I brushed upon my face were mere forgeries. Paling in their fake warmth when compared with the bearer of love and sincerity.   
In my case she was an Angel of Mercy. A Godsent holder of all that was still good, and still left, within my heart and soul.  
I loved her at first sight. Not the times we met as enemies, or the moment's she spoke to me to urge me to join their 'crusade.'  
It was a brilliant, flower cloud day in June, when the Cherry blossoms were swirling through the trees and air like faeries in the wind.   
She was clad in a casual pair of glacier blue board shorts and a lavender tank top. A matching, ice blue kerchief held her vibrant lilac hair from her startlingly pretty face. It was in that moment, as she impulsivly caught my hand and tugged me into a flurry of pink cotton petels, When I really saw her.  
She had laughed and smiled at my startled face, twirling us both around the falling flowers, taking exceptional joy in natures ardent display of rosey rain. I saw her sparkling golden eyes, her soft, upturned mouth, and her love of life.  
It was like a switch flicked within my soul, and suddenly all that was still alive within me melted into hope, and every capable fibre in my body was desperatly in love with the vivicious creature holding my hand.  
I had found my reason worth living for.  
I had found my greatest passion,and with it my greatest pain.  
  
Love remains,  
a drug that's the high,   
and not the pill,  
but did you know  
that when it snows,  
my eyes become large   
and the light that   
you shine can't be seen  
  
I was in love, but deeply feared it. My heart was hard to love. Why would so brilliant a girl be intrerested in my affections. Physical attributes aside. What would a beauty like hers see in my inner ugliness. My sins were many and varied greatly.  
I took the guilt for things even my greed had not commited. I was, in my eyes, a marked man. A weakling unworthy of love, unworthy of sincerity, unworthy of kindness.  
In my own eyes I was a dead man. The dead cannot find love among the precious living.  
And so I kept my painful distance, becoming more achingly alone then before. For now, I had something to long for.  
It was desperation that drove me to the pits a of despair. My despondence was noticed by all, but as of yet my breaking point had not been reached. I knew it would hit like an avalanche, I just didn't want it to crush my Angel in it's fall.  
If I was to be alone, I would take no one with with me   
  
Baby, I compare you to a kiss   
from a rose on the grave  
the more I get of you   
the stranger it feels  
and now that your rose is in bloom,  
a light hits the gloom on the grave  
  
She felt my pain, in a moment of weakness. By dint of will, I had hidden my love, my devotion, my absolution and my penalty within my tired heart.  
But, in a ungaurded moment, at a sea-side picnic with our friends, I was ensnared by her sorrowful gaze, as she watched the roses beside the ocean.  
She caught me staring, and I blushed, unable to tear my gaze away from her tearfull eyes. In my opinion, it was a travesty to cloud such tawny, wonderful eyes with glasses, let along pain. She gave me a wobbly smile and turned back to the water. The wind whipped her amazing hair around her shoulders, brushing her slender neck, and I was entranced. I was lucky enough to behold her shining prescence, blessed to have her share with me, what I had longed she would.  
"I-I've always wanted red roses...with babies breath"  
Her voice was slightly shaking from her sadness, and I resisted the urge to throw myself at her feet and promise her a million things I couldn't give without hurting her.  
"Kari, s-she doesn't understand h-how lucky s-she is..."  
I couldn't look away, and still I said nothing.  
"She has T.K and Davis hucking themselves at her feet...Every holiday, she's sh-showered with these am-mazing gifts...but...All I ever w-wanted were roses..."  
I found my errant voice, and took a shuddering breath. I wanted to tell her how I felt. Explain to her that Ken would wait as long as it took for her to love him.  
"Yolie..I-I...."  
A thin film of tears sprang into my ice-heather vision, and I couldn't sort out my words.  
"I-I uh...You d-deserve more then...that..."  
Yolie turned away from the windswept flowers, and placed a tender hand on my arm.  
"Thank you Ken, that means so much to me."  
I was aghast at how I almost let myself through and I nodded stiffly, turning to stride away. As I fled, wiping my tears, her soft voice lilted above, the ocean breeze.  
"All I ever wanted was you..."  
  
There is so much a man can tell you,  
so much he can say,  
you remain,  
my power, my pleaure, my pain  
Baby, to me your like a grown addiction  
that I can't deny,  
won't you tell me is that healthy baby?   
  
It wasn't going to be that simple though. No moonlit confessions of love, and sweet butterfly kisses.  
Our passion was sordid and painful, but neither could, or wanted to escape.  
We found each other the day I reached my emotional hell. The day I died, the day she saved me.  
I decided the sweet torment of her company was worth the suffering, as my lonley heart wanted to feel warm and needed. She made me feel that way.  
We, being the Digidestined, decided to journey to the park, and oddly, my comrades and I seemed to gravitate towards water. We ended up lakeside and sun bathed.  
I was watching them swim. T.K dunking Davis, Davis dunking T.K, T.K dunking Cody, Cody dunking Kari, Kari dunking T.K, Kari dunking Davis...  
And became embroiled within my inner horrors. My mood grew excessivly painful, until I was gasping quietly trying to stop the bitter tears.  
Her shadow fell across mine, and I raised shining, wet eyes to her lithe, form. She simply put her arm around me and drew me close.  
I sobbed for all I was worth. She patted my hair and stroked my bare skin, holding me near her loving form.   
I wept for the injustices inflicted on a 12 year old boy, I cried for the seething,hidden longing of a 16 year old the younger boy had become. I cried for my brother and I wept for my angel. I wanted to slip away and die, here in her purity and loving personality.  
This was all I had ever wanted. I could lose myself and slip into the hell I belonged to.  
But, when I thought my life was finally over,  
Her depth of compassion brought me back.   
She started to sing a faintly recognized song. 'Hey Jude' by The Beatles.  
Her voice was surprisingly sweet, and hit the notes just right.  
I was confused and charmed by her unorthodox way of healing, and focused on the notes. They seemed to bring me out of my sorrow, lifting my spirits bit by marginal bit.  
My tears subsided.  
  
But did you know,  
that when it snows,  
my eyes become large   
and the light that you   
shine can't be seen  
  
Day by passing day, I became acutly aware of the frightening intensity my feeling for Yolie progressed. One minute I was in love the next desperatly in love and need, the next in love, need and pain bacause of it.  
She became my willing obsession. My guiding star and paramour. I fell more madly in love with every section of her being with each passing day, as she did with mine.  
It was as beautiful as it was dangerous.  
I remember lying on my blue velvet duvet, her glasses on my bedside table and tilting her defient chin to my searching gaze. Whispering to her huskily, even as my lips traveled down her neck and across her skin. She let out a small gasp, and arched her body into the unyielding solidity of my own. God, but she was beautiful.   
"Were we made for this, Yolie?" I murmured against her milky skin.  
" I could tell you how I can't stop thinking about you..."  
"I could tell you about the way you make my heart feel..."  
"Or how you make my soul feel..."  
"My body..."   
She moaned as I whispered, closing her eyes as she let me explore the landscape that was mine as much as hers.  
" I could tell you how the others pity us for our affair..."  
"And hate us for our devotion..."  
"Or I could tell you about the time, little time ago, when we had a school dance...and I watched the door the, hoping you would show..."  
"I could tell you how you shattered me again, when I relized you were not coming..."  
The kiss I bestowed upon her was angry and demanding, but she countered it with love and compassion. Everything she was.  
"I love you..."  
"I've loved you longer..."  
I greedily merged our bodies...and our hearts...  
  
Baby, I compare you to a kiss   
from a rose on the grave,   
the more I get of you   
the stranger it feels,   
now that your rose is in bloom,   
a light hit's the gloom,   
on the grave   
  
Loving, passionate desperation held us together.  
She meant the world to me. And I adored her for everything she was, everything she wanted to be, and everything she could.  
But, at the back of my mind was the dark fear I hid behind my love.  
I knew my angel, my Yolie, would writhe with the demons in my soul.  
It was a nightmarish fate that I envisioned. That by loving me-being loved by me-She would have to pay penance for my sins.   
That fear drove me on, that terroer wound me up and tore me apart. I couldn't let her light fade!   
Even by dying, if I could save her, I would kill my mortal body. There was no question of if. it was only when.  
But, that day never came. Our tortore strengthened her, as it weakened me. We were so desperate to save one another, both from my hidden darkness, that we drove eachother away...  
I spent my days in anguish and misery, I spent my nights despairing over my loss of her.  
Davis informed my that she was not eating, she was not sleeping. I was much the same.  
Our love of eachother, was killing us.  
  
I've been kissed by a rose on the grave,  
I've been kissed by a rose-  
on the grave  
and if I should fall  
I've been kissed by a rose on the grave  
I've, I, I've been kissed by a rose on the grave  
  
My agony could hold out no longer.  
I had to see her, even if it was for the last time.  
I had to be with her, surrounded by her,  
inside her...  
I searched her out. I found her in her bedroom.  
She was bedecked in pastel green. Silken and soft and achingly touchable.  
I lost my breath at the sight of her. I always did.  
"Why did you come Ken?"  
"I had to see you."  
She hadn't even turned around. She had known my prescence, as I knew she would.  
"Were going to obliterate one another..."  
"I know...I've always known."  
"You don't sound like you care, angel."  
"As I said, I've always know...I've never cared...My love for you is emotional suicide...and I love worship every second of my death."  
"Is it always going to be this way?"  
"We'll have to wait and see, Ken."  
  
I strode to her bedside, and we shared our grief, our aches and our poetry, again.  
  
I left before dawn smoothed over the blinds.  
I was more in love then ever.  
  
There is so much a man can tell you,  
so much he can say,  
you remain, my power my pleasure my pain,  
to me your like a grown addiction that I can't deny,  
would you tell me, is that healthy baby?   
  
We were indestructable in our extermination. No one could touch as but the other. Not Kari, not T.K, not Davis or Cody.  
Not Mimi or her own lover Joe for theirs was a sweet, brilliant love, utterly beautiful with just a strong a bond.  
I hated them as much as I favored them.  
Not Tai nor Matt, not Izzy or Sora.  
We were blissfully unaware of anything but the other. And laughed and cried and loved and died.  
We were beautiful and stupid, despicable and wise.  
We were a dark obsession. We breathed it, we wanted it.  
We WERE it. It WASD us.  
Yolie and I....  
Were what we wlways needed to be....  
Ourselves....  
  
But did you know,   
that when it snows,   
my eyes become large   
and the light that you shine   
can't be seen  
  
"Do you love me?"  
"More then anything."  
"Um..why?"  
"Because your my light."  
  
"Do YOU love ME?"  
"More then I love my world."  
"Why?"  
"Because your the most tragically beautiful thing I've evr know."  
"Good."   
We sat under a blanket of silver stars, above a carpet of emerald grass, on a warm, summer evening.  
Yolie was cradled within my gentle embrace, leaving me content beyond explanation.  
"Do you think we'll last as long as those stars?"  
"longer."  
She leaned over me, smiling that vibrant, sunny smile, and she kissed me with all the sweet warmth she could obtain.   
I melted.  
  
Baby, I compare you   
to a kiss from a rose on the grave,   
the more I get of you   
the stranger it feels,   
now that your rose is in bloom,   
a light hit's the gloom on the grave  
  
So here I stand, awaiting whatever the future will bring, as I wipe my sweaty palms and cradle the delicate objects within my srms.  
She'll know where to find me...She always does, she always has...she always will.  
I place the two dozen red, long stemmed red roses in front of her doorway. She is home, and I ring the bell.  
I turn and leave the complex. To wait for her. To make love to her...  
To be with her always.  
  
yes, I compare you to a kiss   
from a rose on the grave,  
the more I get of you the stranger it feels,  
now that your rose is in bloom   
a light hit's the gloom on the grave   
  
I'm facing the windswept ocean when she arrives. She is beautiful, and I hold her hand.  
"Do you love me, angel?"  
"Of course."  
"Do you trust me, angel?"  
"Always."  
"I love you."  
"I know."  
  
I turn to her, my knees shaking, and losing courage. Steeling myself, I fall to one of my trembling knees.  
"Will you marry me angel?"  
The tears fall unchecked down her ivory, moonlit skin. My breathing is baited, until she trows her arms around my neck, knocking us both to the gound  
"Did you have to ask?!"  
She kissed me hard and long, until I was panting for breath. Shakily, I stroked her hair, my fears arising for a moment.  
"You know that we still have so much to go through...the pain is hard to conquer."  
"I love you Ken....And I'm ready."  
  
Maybe I would be to........  
  
  
Now that your rose is in bloom,   
a light hit's the gloom, on the   
....grave  
  
@------- -------@ @------- -------@ @------- -------@ @------- -------@ @------- --  
  
  
FINISHED!!!!! (By the way, it's implied that by the end, they're both older.)  
R/R please!!!  
I love Kenyaiko and Mimoe! ^_^  
-Mamacita 


End file.
